mister peace

I would love to own and operate my own company. Once I get Jerk Detector Inc. up and rolling, this dream will become a reality, but until then, it’s a fantasy I’ve always had.

You see, I’ve been in enough workplace situations to know what employees WANT. I know how the employee mind functions, so I’d be the perfect boss. Under my regime, worker satisfaction would peak and that means our productivity and profits would sky-rocket.

I think the greatest problem facing the workplace in these hectic modern times is stress. People find themselves feeling too much anxiety and it’s having a negative effect on everyone’s bottom line.

This is why I would institute a permitted alcohol policy. Think about it: everyone is feeling better and more calmed down after a few beers, right? No, I’m not talking about endorsing alcoholism or getting completely wasted while you’re on the job. That would be irresponsible and I don’t agree with it. I run a tight ship and I don’t tolerate drunkards. I’m just extolling the possible benefits of a healthy five-beer buzz in the workplace. It would take the edge off and go a long way in increasing morale.

Secondly, I would eliminate stress by allowing a casual, more relaxed atmosphere on Mondays. Mondays are too much for most people (Garfield, for example) because it’s hard to start working again after the weekend. Thus, I allow employees to take a breather and chill a bit on Mondays. From now on, Monday becomes Fun Day.

The rest of the week, however, must be dedicated to productivity and a strong work ethic. Well, I’ll make an exception for Tuesday. After all the fun of Fun Day Monday, we’ll probably need a bit of a break, just to relax and gather our bearings. This is why I would institute Snooze Day Tuesday. On Snooze Day Tuesday, employees would be allowed to sleep quietly at their desk, so that they may recover from the near-drunken party that was Fun Day Monday.

And of course, I believe in socializing and getting to know your co-workers. This is why I’m re-christening Wednesday as Friends Day Wednesday. This is when you can just sort kiss work off and dedicate the entire day to shooting the shit, talking on the phone, instant messaging, and even inviting people from outside work to come and visit. I hate it when you have to go to work and feel like you’re spending the day with a bunch of strangers. Friends Day Wednesday will take care of all that.

Seeing as how I’m a strict but fair boss, the other two days of the week will have to be spent working extra, extra hard. Except Friday. What kind of fucking sadist would make his employees work their fingers to the bone on Friday? Friday will be re-dubbed Free Day Friday, and it will be a great chance to just kick back and do your own thang, whatever that may be.

That’s right… I said “thang” and not “thing”. At Jerk Detector Inc, we’re not such pedants that we feel a need to adhere to the archaic rules of English. In fact, I don’t even want to call it English, I call it Englash. Got a problem with that?

Naturally, on Thursdays, I’ll have to crack the whip. I’m not just some doormat. Don’t think I’m a pushover or something.

Hey, speaking of grammatical mistakes, as a boss, I LOVE mistakes. You know why? Because humans make mistakes and I love humans. If the accounting department screws up and misplaces a few decimal points, so what? At my company, we’re not just a bunch of mindless robots, we’re poets. We’re artists, you see. We create. As people, that’s what we do and I love that about us. Who has time to worry about a bunch of inane regulations? Life is bigger than that. Spelling errors, accounts receivable errors, shipping errors, entire spreadsheets full of crucial data missing… hell, I welcome all of it.

My tardy/absentee policy? I don’t have one. Why? Because a bunch of rules hanging over your head like the sword of fucking Damocles is only going to bother you, upset you, and make you hate your job. At the same time, I have to observe productivity for the good of the company. If you’ve gone missing for, let’s say, five or six months, I’ll have to remove your name from the payroll, but other than that, you can make your own hours. What if you got stuck in traffic and are now showing up ten minutes late? Fine. What if you’re having a bad day and you come in three hours late? Also fine. What if you’re having a lazy day and choose to spend it at home, playing X-Box instead of coming in at all? Also fine!

This is because I know there’s nothing more vital to the strength and stability of the company than employee satisfaction. You need to make the people who work for you happy if you’re going to get anywhere in the world of business.

Sexual harassment is completely out of the question. The idea of men harassing women (or vice versa) with unwanted sexual advances is absolutely appalling to me and it won’t be tolerated under any circumstance.

Mutually enjoyable workplace sex, however, is allowed. I don’t think two consenting adults having the time of their life in the break-room (during a designated break time, of course) should ever be verboten. It doesn’t fall under the category of sexual harassment if both parties are so lusty for one another they can’t keep their clothes on. No, that falls under the category of a choice two consenting adults make on their own, and that’s their prerogative. I just ask that they clean up after they’re done, as other employees would like to be able to enjoy their lunch without sitting in any bodily fluids.

Employee conflict? Not a problem, because at my company there won’t BE any employee conflict. We’re all friends, and if you want to fight, you’re fired. If you’re having difficulties, then get the hell out. I don’t want some dark cloud raining their pessimism down on all the happy people of Fun City. Hit the bricks, asshole.

Finally, we have my dress code. I hate to sound like a taskmaster, but I need to lay down the law on this one. All employees MUST wear clothing that sufficiently covers their genitalia. I hate to have to get tough on this issue, but I simply can’t allow full nudity. You have to come to work semi-clothed, no matter how much it pains you to do so.

Sorry for being so harsh.