mister peace

Read this post from Hello, Stranger and this post from Tiny Voices In My Head. They, as well as any number of posts written by women bloggers all over the world, paint a very specific picture: men are clueless when it comes to the art of throwing woo.

Fear not, guys in the audience. I’m here to give you some solid advice. Rest assured that the next time you try to mack on some fly honies at the local watering hole, they won’t be making fun of you by calling you “creep-ass” on their blog the next day.

My first bit of advice is that women love men who are confident and self-assured. This means that you’re not afraid to really present yourself. Speak in a loud, authoritative tone. Shout if you have to. The point is that you’re not a milquetoast and you want her to know it. Women don’t like men who are timid. This is why a great opening line is: “I’m not afraid of you! You don’t scare me!”

Secondly, women love physical contact. It turns them on and shows them that you’re not afraid of intimacy. Don’t be forceful or bullyish, but do be sensual and loving. I recommend giving her a backrub. Ask any woman who’s married and she’ll tell you that she loves to get a backrub after a hard day at work. Well, do it to it, Romeo. Don’t even bother introducing yourself, just start massaging.

Next, we must take some advice from the character Keith from the BBC series The Office, who explains: “Men are turned on by what they see. Women are turned on by what they hear.” It’s true, fellas. Woman are verbal creatures and can melt in your hand using only the power of words. They like softly spoken, seductive words, as well. This is why I recommend whispering in her ear. Again, no need for formalities… don’t waste your time explaining who you are or what you’re doing. Just whisk her off her feet by whispering some sweet nothings. I recommend the following: “Gee, you sure smell nice. I enjoy your odor.” Women love having their perfume complimented.

Next, it comes time for the part every man hates: Conversing. The important thing is that you choose a topic that proves how smart you are. Women love intellectuals. Personally, I think you should try breaching such brainy topics as quantum string theory, or sub-molecular nanotechnology. This will prove you’re smart and that you care about what really matters in life. Also, talk about confusing philosophical concepts, like transcendental ontology or how Neitzsche’s worldview relates to traditional Aristotelianism. While discussing these topics, become very involved and passionate. The volume of your voice should crescendo wildly, even if other people stare. I also recommend pounding the table just to drive home the point that you’re a true thinker.

Also, women appreciate talent. I recommend telling filthy jokes or impersonating cartoon characters. Why, you ask? Because then she’ll know how clever and funny you are. For women, comedy is an aphrodisiac. Why else do you think Tim Conway gets the best tail in Hollywood? Women love to laugh because it feels great. Hell, while you’re at it, tickle her. Again, women love physical contact and laughing, so what could be a better combination?

Again, I emphasize how impressed women are with talent. As they say: for women, dancing is like foreplay. I recommend getting up and doing the moonwalk, the macarena, and the funky chicken frequently. Hey, why not? If dancing is so sexy, then show her your best moves.

During conversation, never forget that women hate shallow, petty men. Women are not impressed by greed or obsession with careers when it takes the place of romance. This is why the poorer you are, the better. I recommend being driven to said social gathering in the back of your mother’s Honda Civic, and wearing ill-fitting, dated clothes you bought from a thrift store. This will tell your lady-friend that you’re not driven by senseless money-lust and that you are more concerned with her than with the trivialities of modern fashion.

While I’m on the topic of appearance, women are less likely to be interested if they think you’re a narcissist. Most women hate it when men spend more time on their appearance than they do. This is why dirtier is better. You should go at least two months without showering or bathing before attempting to approach a woman. I’ve already covered having crappy clothes. Keep that in mind, as it’s important. Also, when you’re coming towards the woman in question, soil yourself seconds before you arrive. This sounds awkward, but the musk of sweat and fecal matter will subconsciously remind your wife-to-be of a rugged barbarian who has come to romance her. It sends a very clear message: “I’m not one of those girly metrosexuals who bathes every day or cleans himself properly.” I can’t even tell you how much good this will do for your image.

Speaking of your becoming a giant he-man, you need to, at all times, display the cavalier qualities of a knight in shining armor. Women love chivalry and all that olde-timey stuff. If you protect your maiden’s honor, you’ll win her heart forever. If someone attempts to talk to her while you are, punch this guy in the throat. If the woman has a husband, punch him in the throat. Do you have any idea how much trouble you can get for punching someone? By showing that you’re willing to face jailtime for the sake of her love, you will have stolen the lady’s affections for good. Women are crazy for guys who will sacrifice of themselves in the name of heroism. In fact, you should just punch any random guy who walks into your field of vision.

However, even though ladies love the knight in shining armor routine, you also need to let them know you appreciate their independence and modern womanhood. This is a new era and women are now allowed to hold jobs and open their own bank accounts. This is why you should make her pay for everything. This will accomplish two goals. First, it communicates to your dearest that you respect her enough not to coddle her. Secondly, it emphasizes the fact that you’re broke and unemployed. And don’t forget, that means you’re not obsessed with money. No woman wants a man who’s going to spend more time ensconced in his coffers than he will romancing her.

Another key point: Women can sometimes feel very sensitive about their personal appearance. They wonder if they measure up to the women around them. Let your newfound girlfriend know how hot she is by comparing her favorably to the women around you. Insult other women frequently. Call them names emphasizing their ugliness, fatness, or loose morals. This will make the future mother to your children feel better by comparison. You see how that works?

Speaking of kids, women love kids. It’s never too early to begin talking about your betrothed’s forthcoming pregnancy. Women love communication and women love guys who have the perspicacity to plan ahead. Introduce yourself by telling her your name and that she’s beautiful enough to bear your love-seed. I mean, if that doesn’t just scream “long term commitment” I don’t know what does.

And lastly, women need commitment to feel secure. Lack of commitment is the single biggest problem facing most young couples. This is why you should probably propose marriage within the first ten minutes of meeting her. This lets her know that you’re not a one night stand who’s only out to “find em, fuck em, forget em”. Heavens, no. You’re willing to devote eternity to her. ETERNITY. (HINT: For added emphasis, talk a lot about eternity. Talk about how you believe in love at first sight and how such a bond can never, ever, ever be broken, no matter what. Girls LOVE that stuff!)

There you have it, gents. Don’t say I’ve never done you a favor.